Saturday, October 17, 2009
Ridiculous Thoughts, Pt. 1
Is it ridiculous to be upset if a casual hookup, someone you have no feelings for beyond lust, gets a boyfriend? That's the curious situation I find myself in. There's this guy that I sleep with whenever I go back home to Boston--- pardon me, that I used to sleep with---- a very nice and good looking man. I liked him very much, which is to say I liked sleeping with him. While on facebook the other day I noticed that his relationship status was no longer listed as single. Taken aback, I messaged him. Sure enough, he has a boyfriend. He hopes he doesn't mess things up with this new guy, because, "he's a keeper." I told him I was happy for him. "Good for you," I wrote. And I thought I meant it. Yet I found myself a little upset. Who the fuck was this boyfriend to replace me? I recognized immediately how ridiculous I was being. Just who did I think I was? I was actually a little hurt that this man would trade sex three times a year with me for regular, emotionally fulfilling boyfriend sex? And the answer was yes. Yes I was. This guy, from what little I knew of him, was one of those gays who was very good looking, very charming, and perpetually single. I say "one of those" as if those kind of gay men are in short supply. But most guys who fit that description are, in my experience, usually single by choice. He wanted a boyfriend; he was just unable to make it happen. I was under the assumption that he would simply be there, waiting for me in Boston, whenever I deemed it worth my while to go back for a visit. As far as I was concerned, he was going to be single forever. That was his lot in life. Or that was his lot in my life. And then to be suddenly confronted with evidence to the contrary like that, out of the blue, from a facebook profile...I wasn't prepared. Academically, I knew that I probably played a very small part in his romantic life, as he did in mine. But I never really thought about anything other than, 'This man is available to me whenever I feel like having him.'
I felt ridiculous to be upset over someone I didn't have romantic feelings for, which of course just made more upset. I had to second guess myself...did I have feelings for him? The answer was definitely no, but at the same time, I think I did feel that if I ever moved back to Boston, who knows. I had definitely considered the possibility, however fleetingly, that in the future something could, maybe--- almost certainly not, but maybe--- develop. And of course one day it still could. But, for the time being, it felt like I'd been broken up with from the future. This is not a feeling I'm used to having. I'm much more used to being broken up with in the present.
Then there was the fact that this 31 year old man now had a boyfriend, while at 29 I'm still longing for my first (Well, not longing. I must now issue the disclaimer that while I'm not actively looking for a boyfriend I would love to have someone special in my life. But I'm very happy being single. Really. Why are you looking at me like that? I'm perfectly happy! OK! Can we please drop it?!). Anyways, as you can see, this little asshole stirred up all sorts of shit inside me that I would rather keep lying dormant. I don't want to think about when I'll find the boy who will be my "keeper." I don't want to hear about my flings' inner romantic lives. As far as I'm concerned they are as frustrated in love as I am. So thanks a lot for opening my eyes, facebook, and fuck you, former hookup. Fuck you for getting a life outside of fucking me.
