Dantrums

I suppose it's impossible, and maybe not even desirable, but I would like to be able to do what I want whenever I want. I suppose this is the definition of acting like a child. But children are dependent on others. I want to be a completely independent child. I don't want to indulge at the expense of others. I want to hurt no one. When you're a baby, the cycle of life goes: cry, eat, shit, sleep. When you're a kid it's pretty similar, only you must now factor in recess and light reading before bed. In high school you lose those and sub thinking about (but not actually having) sex and moderate drinking on the weekends. In college, it's pot, sex, and studying--- pretty much in that order. As I get older, the cycle of life becomes more focused on money. Because if you're not making any you're pretty much considered a loser by everyone who is, which is pretty much everyone. It makes sense. Sex, pot, and recreational reading won't buy you a nice apartment in the trendy/gay part part of town. Sex will if you find yourself a sugar daddy, but I digress. So we are all required to work semi-crap jobs that make us feel empty but at least they make us feel responsible. You made this money and you can do what you want with it. With this kind of thinking, even a job you hate keeps your ego afloat, which explains why 2 months ago when I was sitting in my apartment smoking pot I was was probably happier overall though also disappointed in myself. Now that I'm working my ego is ok but I smile less. Cry me a river, I know, I'm a big fucking baby.

But part of this equation is unaccpetable to me. Pure indulgence is both undesirable and impossible. There is nothing honorable in letting your brain turn to mush. Blind responsibility and work are perhaps worse. To kill your soul and sacrifice your happiness for a semblance of normality--- to do something merely because you think it's what you're supposed to do--- that is not the definition of growing up. That's the definition of settling, of succumbing. I would rather be an oblivious junkie than a heartless lawyer.

It's easy to be nostalgic about childhood. Yet responsibility is here, like it or not. Some smart guy, probably Gore Vidal, wrote that the only way to grow up is to kill the child inside you. That struck me as brutal and depressing. I can't decide to what extent he's right. Can't the child be integrated into the older version? What pisses me off about that quote is that it doesn't acknowledge that growing up fucking sucks. It's fucking hard, and to anyone who has made the transition from adolesence smoothly, I say you're either an alien or you're a fucking liar. Let it out, shhhhhh, just let it out. I know deep down you just want to bury your head in your lap and cry. If you're just plain stronger than me, fuck you anyway. Listen, how the hell did you do it? How did you kill your conscience so thoroughly? Am I the only one who worries about selling out--- in the eyes of a former self, no less?

There is a solid middle ground between work and play. I haven't found it yet, but when I do, when I can get head while wearing a shirt and tie, so to speak, I expect I shall finally achieve some semblance of bliss.