Dantrums

Yesterday I lost my wallet and learned that my Bubby (my father's mother) is being moved to a hospice. She is dying of leukemia. She is a sweet lady. When I last visited her in the hospital I asked her how she was feeling. She whispered, 'Better now that you're here.' She tended a vegetable garden in the summer and enjoyed seeing her children and grandchildren wherever and whenever she could. As is so often the case with grandparents, though, I cannot say I really knew her, or know her. We were of different generations and that gap was never closed. When I came out six years ago my mom's mom, who's always been a bit more current, was told about my sexuality, but Bubby wasn't. Why should she? What exactly could she do with such information? I love her but she was never an important part of my life.


Now my wallet, on the other hand, is a different story. Not only do I see it every day I carry it on my person. It's my friend. It carries my credit card, which I just used to buy tennis sneakers and a plane ticket to Spain. It carries my Blue Cross Blue Shield card, and my ACLU membership card, and my scuba diving license. It carries my money, and so, as a Jew, it has a special place in my heart. Sadly, the things in my wallet and my attitude towards my wallet speak at least as much about my personality as my Bubby. I'm really not sure what my Bubby and I have in common except, perhaps, twin feelings of love and embarassment towards my father.

Thus I convinced myself that feeling more upset about my wallet doesn't make me a bad person. But maybe this does...

I really hope Bubby doesn't die right before we go to Nantucket, because that would spoil what it always a fantastic end to the summer, because really, the dead should die at a time that is convenient for the living. I really do believe this. I mean sure, it's alright for them to die during the last few weeks of good weather, but what about those of us who really need to make good use of those beach days? If she's not going to pass away in July she really needs to hold off until September. No, wait, I'm going to Spain then...she really needs to wait until mid-October...oh but what if the Sox are still in the playoffs. On second thought late-October would probably be best.